On the day after Obama won a Nobel Peace award that he did absolutely nothing to deserve, I have been given permission to cross-post a satirical piece written by Tamerlane, via John's blog, Liberal Rapture. Tamerlane's brilliant piece gets much closer to the true character of our Hope and Change president. Too bad the Nobel Committee didn't have the same discerning judgment.
Obama "Disappointed" by Results of Junket to Las Vegas
* Returns on wager of national treasury "less than anticipated" * First couple takes in the sites *24-hour trip costs US taxpayers $15 million * Michelle looks stunning
From our Washington correspondent, Tamerlane, aboard Air Force One:
President Barack Obama returned yesterday from a whirlwind junket to Las Vegas, where he placed a $7 billion wager- all that remained in the nation's depleted treasury reserve- on a hand of blackjack, which he lost. Following the bet, the First Family took in the sites of Las Vegas. Michelle and the girls then continued on for a weekend in Taos, while the exhausted President flew directly to Camp David to recuperate. On Air Force One, a clearly dejected Obama tried to put the lost wager in the best light. Speaking to reporters, Obama admitted that the "return on the bet was less than anticipated," but noted that, as the First Lady had found a great deal on a Louis Vuitton clutch she'd been eyeing for some time, the trip was not entirely fruitless.
Huge Crowd Hears President Express Optimism, Hope
The junket began with high hopes. Thursday morning, President Obama, arriving on Air Force 1a, Michelle, on Air Force 1b, and Malia and Sasha, on Air Force 1c, were greeting at the airport by jubilant Las Vegans. The cavalcade next proceeded to a rally in front of the gleaming edifice of the Luxor. Speaking before a huge crowd-reported by MSNBC at just over 4 million-Obama promised not to be deterred by criticism. "You know, they questioned the other pharaohs, too, their vision. They said, you know, 'He has a funny hieroglyph, he's nubian.' But if those pharaohs had let it get to them, they'd have never invented the pyramids, and we wouldn't be standing where we are today."
President Encounters Ugly Racism
Obama next experienced an unpleasant moment or two. Stopping by New York, New York to grab a bagel mit schmier, Obama was blocked by an angry crowd of racists, shouting and carrying signs in favor of single payer healthcare. The president had riot police disperse the racists with water cannon, only to discover they were out of lax.
Lightheartedness returned to the presidential entourage in the lobby of the Bellagio. Michelle let out a gleeful squeal as she realized that the fountain display had been rigged to go off whenever she walked by. As the First Lady, attired in a stunning sleeveless dress with an ochre & brindle floral pattern, and her trademark pearl necklace and ruby slippers, amused herself, the president proceeded to the main gaming hall. Surrounded by a horde of media, he sidled up to a blackjack table to implement his bold initiative to cut the federal deficit in half. Asked if he was nervous, Obama replied, "dude, it's not like it's my own money."
Wager Goes Awry
Obama placed the entire $7 billion (in the form of one large chip specially crafted for the occasion) on his first deal. The president received two queens, split, then busted. Leaving the table with a shrug, Obama bummed a cigarette off a TV cameraman and wandered off. The press corps soon tracked down Obama in the sports book, nursing a mai tai, where he admitted he had just lost five bucks from his own wallet on the Indiana Fever in the WNBA finals. The president was later overheard asking a teller how many chips she thought he could get for GM.
Obamas Paint the Town "Cool"
America's most beautiful couple enjoyed a relaxing rest of the day with a private performance by Cirque du Soleil followed by dinner at Ruth's Chris, before returning to their luxury suite to take advantage of its 40' jacuzzi, 24' round bed and ceiling mirror. Malia and Sasha reportedly declared as "totally awesome" their adjoining suite, which had been fitted with a water slide, a carousel, and a petting zoo. Bo, the First Family's purebred Portuguese Water Dog, who had been separately flown into Vegas on Air Force 1d at a cost of $370,000, spent the night on the concrete floor of the hotel basement.
The Obamas slept in late, missing their check-out time, which cost the US government an additional $2.7 million. When asked by a racist reporter whether she thought this was right, Michelle snapped, "some first ladies know how to keep their presidents from straying!"
Racists Question Wisdom of Junket
Indeed, the huge cost of the president's junket, estimated at over $15 million has come under fire. It seems the city of Las Vegas was hurt financially, too. A spokesperson for one of the city's crime syndicates notes that even the bet and the room service can't offset the $19.3 billion in tourism revenue lost from the closing of the airport alone.
Even before the junket, Obama endured heavy flak from his own party for his plan to reduce the federal deficit through casino gambling. Sen. Chuck Schumer brazenly called it "not my first choice for deficit reduction," while Rep. Dennis Kucinich went even further, labeling the bet "potentially risky."
Others have questioned the president's strategy of splitting on a 20 instead of standing. Sen. Orrin Hatch called the move "boneheaded." In his weekly syndicated column, Pat Buchanan described the split as "a coward's strategy." Buchanan opined that "real men, like Thatcher in the Falklands, Franco at Guernica, and the Great Elector at Fehrbellin, knew how to gamble aggressively and wisely. Can one honestly imagine a world safe for Democracy today had not Churchill 'doubled-down' in 1940?"
In response to these criticisms, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs stresses that "considerable deliberation preceeded the President's wager." Obama himself first favored placing the whole $7 billion on one roulette spin, figuring he could "scream like that flat-chested girl did in Bourne Identity" [Franka Potente in Run Lola Run] to guarantee success. Rahm Emmanuel suggested a more cautious approach: a succession of smaller wagers on Keno. The president nixed the Keno proposal, saying, "that would take, like, hours." A very animated and gesticulating Joe Biden reportedly urged the president to play russian roulette "same as the VC forced McCain to do in 'Nam." After craps and slots were ruled out, the consensus ultimately was that single deck blackjack offered the best odds.
President Reveals Vulnerable Side
Obama freely admits that the split- "something I saw Al Pacino do once"- was his own idea. Taking a long puff on his Camel, Obama spoke in a revealing sotto voce just audible over the whine of the engines as Air Force 1a made its final approach to Dulles. "It's hard being president, gambling day-in and day-out with the hopes and dreams of the American people." Asked whether he considered himself a "player," Obama chuckled. "I used to clean up at Liar's Dice in college," he mused, "but I guess I suck at blackjack. Oh well." He took another drag and stared out the window. Detectable in his eyes was no brooding, no second-guessing over his failure in Las Vegas. This reporter found Obama's blitheness and utter lack of angst pleasingly reminiscent of Reagan, another great president who refused to take the job seriously.
(c) 2009 by 'tamerlane.' All rights reserved.